Is there light?
Unlight?
Are you seeing?
You are seeing.
Searching.
You lie on the lifeless. On your back. Swaddled between sheets. But you don't know that.
You are motionless, but you don't know that. What you can't move, you don't experience. Doesn't exist.
An unfathomable void gapes beneath your neck. Lead-like heaviness commands your motionless head.
You are merely a leaden head.
Something pounds painfully in your chest, throbs inside your ears.
A groan swells. You startle and stiffen, louder, even more pain, unbearable.
You swallow.
Nothing in you comes to a cry.
Alone. In fear. In abysmal desolation.
Your nose smells strangeness, unfamiliarity.
Everything is equally unfamiliar. All the time.
A column of light, like a razor-sharp knife, cuts the space in two parts.
The groan fades, dies down, evaporates.
Everything inside you is equally sensuous. Equally alert. Equally deprived, sad, fearful.
You stay on guard. Tense as a string, constantly on high alert.
Is there movement in your chest? You don't know. Everything is silent.
No warming. No soothing. No scent.
Despair now echoes, like a gong, through your trembling soul.
You swallow.
Nothing.
Nothing in your mouth.
Nothing in your stomach.
Nothing in your heart.
You know nothing.
You are nothing.
Nothing that falls, is falling, continues to fall.
No one comes.
Abandoned.
You are abandoned.
Why?
No one comes for you.
You hurt.
You yearn.
For comfort. For safety. For knowing.
Fear of death in your throat, your chest, your blood.
Your hesitant mouth now searches. Carefully, you stretch out your tongue.
Suddenly, everything is different.
You strain your hearing for the far-off singing.
‘Here!’ your wide-open eyes cry out.
‘Here! Pick me up! Move my body! Carry my head!’
Your eyes burn and float in warm water, which swells and bites into your soft, hungry skin.
The singing approaches, fuller, safer, the light is suddenly everywhere.
You squeeze your eyes shut, then it is dark for a moment, you relax, then that light again.
Soft warmth and strength lift you up.
You travel through the air.
Now you can smell her too.
Where are you now?
Where was she?
The pain in your chest is unbearable.
She is here, you are here, with her.
The shock flaps your lungs open. The soft, warm, sweet rest rests on your cheek.
The singing carries your whole head, wraps around your shoulders, your back, your buttocks, supports your belly, your chest, your legs, with boundless, safe warmth.
Everything smells good now.
Something tickles the corner of your mouth, you search curiously, hungry suddenly. Eagerly, you open your whole mouth.
The red carpet of your tongue rolls over your lower lip, catches the soft singing, fills your mouth with her. The tickle taps the top of your soft palate. Everything is vacuum now. You swallow and there it is, your whole mouth, throat, chest and belly, flooding with soft, sweet love.
You swallow and close and open and close your jaws, drinking her warm skin with devotion.
You swallow and soften, swallow and trust, swallow and delight in your sung existence.
Your chest drums joyfully its only command:
alive,
alive,
alive,
alive...
